Why?

Well, this blog hasn’t been in use for a while and it’s not my intention to change that with this post. Well, I’m actually ending the “Era of Silence” that has been ever present since last time I wrote anything here. I have a new blog that you probably know about already. I think the possibility of someone finding this post is actually pretty much none existing and I’m actually pretty much out in blue as to why I’m writing anything at all here, so don’t ask: there is no answer.

I’m now gonna’ whine about my grades, about how I failed to get an A in every single subject and therefore now officially never will be able to become a veterinarian as well as I’ll never be able to become a doctor; at least not in Sweden.
   So now, my life is over! God dammit’! All this shit for nothing!

Why am I writing this?! I don’t even mean it! I suck!

I’m lost. I’m lost in this world and in others. But in this world, for me, it’s always evening, a never ending dark…

OK, now I’m completely lost. Thought I knew what I wanted to do… Guess those kind of things come to pass…
 Oh, haven’t even told you what I’m babbling about. I’m talking about what I want to work with. That’s where I’m lost.
This is how it is…

Since I was just a kid, I always knew what I wanted to be: I wanted to be a veterinarian. This dream stayed with me, till I last year (or maybe this year even). Then another idea joined it. I began thinking about trying to become a doctor instead. And since then, these two ideas have been following me. I’ve been sure about my goal and the way I must follow to get there. The way was (of course (or is this really obvious?)) to get the highest grade in every single subject throughout the entire high school.
 Then, a couple of weeks ago, another obstacle for me to overcome appeared. It’s a new system of applying to colleges in Sweden. The system before worked like this:

In Sweden, when you leave high school, you get summary score of all the different subjects you’ve studied and the grades you’ve studied and the grades you got in each course. The highest amount of points you can get is 20.0. If you wish to be a doctor or a veterinarian in Sweden, you’ve gotta’ have 20.0, or write 2.0 at a test you can write called “Högskoleprovet” (The college test (it”s almost the same system in this test as in the high schools)).

This is what the Swedish government want to do with this system:

They want to implement a system beside this, called quotation points. These are points you get for choosing subjects in school like more math, English and modern languages (in Sweden, the languages defined as modern is French, Spanish, German and Italian). The problem with this system is this: If I want to be a vet or a doctor, I need to choose these kind of subject. Truth is, I don’t want to. I don’t need more math. I don’t need more English. And I don’t want to study more French. I want to study Latin, psychology, philosophy, more social science. I don’t want to study these other subjects! But if I’m gonna stand a chance being a doc or a vet, I need to choose them anyway. And besides, I still need to get the highest grades possible in every single subject…

This new system, combined with the fact that I nowadays really don’t know if I wanna work with medicin, makes me really lost. As I said, I want to study other subjects. Today a thought struck me. “Maybe I should study philosophy both now and then at college?”. That was a brand new stat of mind. Maybe it’s the way for me… Maybe it leads to the light…

Lux, lux calida. Gravis que, pura velut aurum et canunt angeli, canunt moliter. Natum, modo natum.

OK, I’m going nuts. I still have songs to learn! And I go tomorrow! Jesus, what am I gonna’ do?! I need a miracle…

Oh, and for those who don’t know what I’m talking about, I can explain. Tomorrow, I’m going to Spain with the chamber choir. “Oh, nice!”, you might think, but that is clearly not the case…

Since I last wrote, something has happened. From a egoistic point of view, it’s a really good thing. But from the more “humane” point f view, it’s horrible. The case is this: The trip to Taizé has been cancelled. For me, it’s a good thing, as I wanted to go, but I couldn’t. But for the others, it’s really harsh. I would be like crazy if the trip would have been cancelled with me going on it! I don’t know what I would do…

I really don’t have time to write anymore now. I’m sorry…
Well, see ya’…

Have you ever thought about the life we live? How we are born, raised, brought to school and to be educated so that we can work for the major part of our life, to then retire, being to old to do anything? Isn’t all this strange? Why do we do it? Why has man built a system of living where there are no place to actually live?
   I’ve thought about this the last two days or so. Why all this? I just fell tired of it all. Why do all this? Why live at all? What are we waiting for anyway? The only thing to come is death. Is that perhaps what we wait for? To finally be from from everything, to “live” in death? Is the reason that we keep going through our lives that we want to be strong in the face of death? Why all this?
   And people… why are they so strange? Why do they hate each other? Why do you get mad at someone? The answer to that is simply the fact that they are different. Why do man always hate the things that are different, things that are not the way man want them to be?
   Why all these demands? Why society? Why make things so complicated? If we have to live, why make it so hard for ourselves? Why don’t we just live our lives they are supposed to be?
   I today realised that I don’t care what people think about me. Why care? With all these other things to worry about, why not remove such a trivial thing from the list? Why should you care?

Things are not what they used to be. From realisation comes agony, but also freedom. But with knowledge, hope disappears.

Since all I do on this blog is complaining about how worthless my life is, I’ve realised how worthless it is for the readers too.
   So this is what’s gonna happen. All who wish me to continue blogging raise their hand (write a comment on this post).
   Please also write what think of the blog now vs. before.
   And please! Be honest! Both towards me and towards yourselves. If you think something, write it, even if it’s mean and / or horrible. Thanks!

Well, what are you supposed to do?
When life has lost all joy?
I find myself wandering around the house, not finding joy in anything I do. Why life? And what shall you do when happiness has left your life?
What do you have to live for?
What?

God, I feel so worthless, so superfluous. It like nether me nor the world needs me. And I’m alone… as always…
There it is! I always complain about everything and pity myself for being so melancholic. That just adds to this self despair… I’m such an ego… and I never seem to be able to do something about it either. I try, but somehow, I want to think that everything going to sort out if I just hang on and keep waiting. But that’s no the case, it seems…
Wishing someone could sometimes see the real me, my true personality. ”Wishing you were somehow here again, wishing you were somehow near…”

I’ve had enough! I feel pathetic! Nothing in my life is worth anything this way! I have to do something! And I think know what to do!
You’ll see…
Or you’ll not…

Sorry about this! Haven’t written in a long time now. I haven’t even told you the outcome of my serious “mind-disorder”! Shame on me!

However, this my life nowadays. I decided to join the chamber-choir. And we’ve had one rehearsal so far, second is tomorrow. And it’s definitely better than my other choir (my group in that choir anyhow). So that’s all nice and dandy. But then we have the other issue… The one about Taizé… As I joined the chamber-choir, I signed the execution of the journey to Taizé for this fall break. So no Taizé this year… I don’t know how I’m going to make it. What am I supposed to do?
I regret joining the choir when I think about Taizé…

And as time goes, my understanding of the world grows deeper, both about its bad and its good sides. But something else is growing too. My solitude in this world. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know who I am, who I am supposed to be. Who am I?
With this follows another thing. I feel alone all the time. I really need to find “the special someone for just me”. But who is she? And where is she? I don’t know anymore. And even less, I know who I am nowadays…

And as it grows colder, so does my heart…

When I write this, my mind is in total disorder. This is the deal:

A few days ago, I did the entrance to the chamber-choir at my high school. This Friday, I got the result. I had failed. And I were glad. Why? Because if I did get in, I would mean I’d have to quit the boys-choir and I wouldn’t be able to go to Taizé (because the chamber-choir goes on to a choir competition in Spain at the same time as I would go to Taizé).
 But then, today, it happened… The leader of the choir came to me during a lesson in nature-science. And she told me that I had made it into the choir, because the person (the only person) who was better than me, had turned the offer down. So then the “ball” was thrown to me. And what should I do? Should I, or shouldn’t I? That is the question…